What is Your Purpose Here?

“WHAT IS YOUR PURPOSE HERE?” was typed across the screen in front of me in bold at the top of the list that I was compiling. I had been ignoring the question for a long while now as it seemed. Everytime my eyes rose to read the heading that I had selected, I felt just that much more sick in the pit of my stomach. The words almost made me shiver.
I read over slowly the three main points that I had come up with. The first, “To develop and sustain an intentional and life-bringing relationship with my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ through fellowship with others and stewardship of the environment around me.” I nodded gently in approval. The second, “To develop myself to be the best mountain athlete that I can be in preparation for greater goals and tasks than these through the repeated training and practice of running, cycling, climbing, and mountaineering.” I continued to quietly agree. The last point, “To complete my education regarding wilderness medicine, outdoor leadership and guiding techniques, and business administration.” I couldn’t have put it better myself. It seems I did. Yet, I pursed my lips and continued to stare into the white screen, why does it feel like this all isn’t enough? In short, because it wasn’t.
I closed out of the word document on the computer and stared at the ceiling. Of course there was a multitude missing. I couldn’t put all of it on myself though. I didn’t need to, I shouldn’t, but for some reason I still will. I shuffled through the memories in my mind, of times long ago when I was a child and to those more recent. There was always something at some season in my life that was missing. Was it more friends? Vocation? Money? Fame? Love? It was all of those things. It disgusted me and caused me anxiety at the same time. See, my entire life I had perpetually envied those who were able to keep a cool demeanor no matter what the circumstance. To me, it was amazing. Until I had figured out how to do it myself in the same way. That’s when I realized that those same people who I had always thought were so chill-they weren’t. They just figured out how to hide it better than a majority of the free population. Everyone is always stressed out something. No matter the person.
I closed my eyes as I sat in the chair in front of the computer. I sank deeper into my thoughts. Everything that I had experienced in my life apparently was not good enough, regardless of the fact that I have been blessed with things I could have never imagined. It was numbing and painful at the same time. My greed, my personal hunger for more and more had dulled me so much to the fact that my life was amazing, that life in general is amazing. This was something this time that I could not simply write off as a flaw of the human condition. This was something that I needed to be honest with myself about. Something that I needed to think over. Something that I really couldn’t avoid this time.
What makes me uncomfortable with myself? This is a question that I dabble over every single minute of my waking hours during the day, but for some reason I never find the answer. Is it because I’ll always hate something about myself? If I continued the theme of self deprecation that would certainly be the case. But I couldn’t do that. I needed to understand how to love myself more so I can love others better. I needed to approach and deal with what really kept me awake at night. More than anything else, I am terrified of dying alone. Not in the sense that I die on some mountain top or in some ditch somewhere without anyone around, but in the sense that I live the rest of my life without finding someone that I can share it with. The fact that this is one of my biggest fears continually perplexes me, as while I really want to know who that special someone is to me, I don’t really in the least want to start a family. I don’t want kids. I just want that one person who I can share incredible moments with. That’s not to say that I’m not already doing incredible things, as I can assure you I am not waiting to go out and “live” until I find that special someone, but at the same time, I want to share the moments that I have already experienced and those that are to come with someone who will keep them as special moments also.
I am terrified of fading into obscurity. This is one of the issues that I really struggle with on a moral level. I am a Christian, and as a follower of Christ we are called to be comfortable with being in the background if we have to. So then, why am I so obsessed with being relevant to everyone? I have no idea why, but when the thought occurs in my mind that I am unequivocally average at something, I get extremely frustrated. To be honest, I believe this is one of the main things about myself that so much drives my need to always do greater and bigger things than that which I have already accomplished. Now, don’t get me wrong, in the same way, Lord Christ tells us that we will do “greater and better things,” but at the same time, I need to refocus why I want to do them. Is it for the greater good of everyone, or is it just for me?
I am terrified of never accomplishing my goals. It’s as simple and as undeniably complicated as that. I cannot fathom the idea of ever leaving a box unchecked. I cannot fathom the idea of ever letting one of my dreams die. I can’t handle having to make myself quit on something. I suppose I never will then. Like I had stated before, I never meant to say that my fear of all of those things is bad, I just meant to say that I should not fear them. I meant to say that my reasoning behind them is wrong. I should find someone to share things with not so I can fulfill my own selfish desire, but so I can pour into someone else's life, and they into mine to we can help others more than we could have alone. I should shoot for the moon as many times as I can so I can bring glory to the one who allowed me to make such as wild dreams. Not so I can have the fame or the recognition for myself. I should make as many goals as I can, not so I can just click off a box to make myself feel better, but so I can use my life to do as much as I can to help others, and at the same time further the human race as a whole.
The fact that I worried about all of it was what I was doing wrong. The fact that I did it for myself was the thing that tainted all of it. The fact that I feared all of it so much just may’ve been the thing that kept me from accomplishing any of it. So to that then, just “what is my purpose here?” I just might have a clue.
I’m a Lover.
I’m a Fighter.
I have a hard time standing still.
I’ll summit five mountains in a day and do one more if you ask nicely.
I have an affinity for things that may hurt me.
I believe that fear is arbitrary.
I’ve seen the world over once and I’d like to be able to see it two times more.
People are important.
Hold those who you love close.
I’ll run until my heart breaks and do a few miles more.

I know who I am. Who the heck are you?
***ALL WRITING AND PHOTOGRAPHY PROPERTY OF HILLIER ADVENTURE PHOTOGRAPHY AND UNLIMITED EXPLORATION Co.***

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